During finals week, resist the urge to consume caffeine. You might think that you are more energized, but in the long run it will bring you down.
In light of impending finals, I feel obligated to offer you my most important piece of advice: Do not, under any circumstances, stay up the entire night to study and consume energy drinks.
Though cramming can seem like the only option, this lack of sleep and excess of caffeine are a volatile combination that will make it impossible to concentrate the next day. I do not care if you have not attended class once the entire semester and are trying to teach yourself all the course material in one night, you are better off sleeping and using the powers of deductive reasoning to take the test. Without sleep, you will be like a teenage girl watching “The Notebook,” a useless blob of senseless emotion.
If you choose not to heed my advice and do stay up all night, do not drink an excess of caffeine the morning of the test to compensate for you poor life choices. Caffeine is your enemy. It will make your pulse race faster than it already is and will prevent any kind of logical thinking. Instead, drink water or, better yet, take a quick nap.
If you have disregarded my free and excellent advice for a second time, I will give you one more chance. When you arrive at your final exhausted and running on caffeine-induced desperation, your first urge might be to freak out. You could start sweating and madly cramming until the last second. You might want to cry. You might have the urge to flee the scene entirely, quit college and become a hobo.
Fight it. Fight those urges and sit your jittery butt down. You have gotten yourself into this pickle and you must dig yourself out. If that means being funny in the essay about the book you did not read, do that. If that means attaching a check made out for whatever amount you think it would take to bribe your professor into a passing grade, do that. Or do both of those things. At this point you are a hot mess who is desperate and will do anything for a good grade.
I hope this has given you a peek into what will happen if you do not act like an intelligent human being and get some sleep during finals week. Make good life choices and you will be fine. Ignore my advice, and all I can say is I hope that your professor is merciful, because if not you will be sweating like a hooker in church.
