As an avid horror movie fan, I am fully aware that more often than not the flicks I watch are not that great. I am not going into those types of movies expecting the next “Schindler’s List.” But I still expect them to have some obvious entertainment value, whether it is over-the-top violence or ridiculous scares. And this is the mindset I had going into “Texas Chainsaw 3-D.” I just wanted to have fun with it.
I am sad to say there was no fun to be had, and this movie is an early contender for the worst theatrical release of 2013.
Heather (Alexandra Daddario) has recently inherited a home from her estranged grandmother in the south of Texas. On a road trip to New Orleans with her boyfriend Ryan (Trey Songz) and two of her friends, she decides to stop to claim her inheritance. Unbeknownst to her, she is also inheriting maniacal killer Leatherface who is living in the basement of the home.
This movie suffers from every single trope that dumb horror flicks are known for: a terrible script, stereotypical slasher movie characters that make ridiculous decisions, bad acting/direction and blatant plot holes. But these tropes were presented in such a sloppy manner that you would think the writers and director had never seen a horror movie before. It came as no surprise to me that the director of the film, John Luessenhop, is really only known for directing the dreadful crime drama “Takers,” which starred Chris Brown and T.I., making the casting of Trey Songz in “Texas Chainsaw” all the more transparent and stupid. His attempts at various pieces of homage to the original fell completely flat, and made his new added elements that much worse. Oh, and the so-called twist is revealed five minutes into the movie but if you can’t pick up the twist, or the rest of the plot from the opening, then this might just be the movie for you.
The only glimmer of hope for the film was Daddario, who can clearly act, and has done so in other films such as the little known horror film “Bereavement” and the “Percy Jackson” series. But there is only so much that she can do with such poor dialogue and direction. The “resolution” at the end is such a slap in the face to any fan of the franchise, but I can’t blame her because she didn’t write the screenplay.
Non-horror fans might say that is kind of the point of theses films, but I would tell them to watch “Silence of the Lambs” or “High Tension” and tell me that horror movies can’t be great pieces of cinema. The problem is that those frightening gems are so few and far in between — to mainstream moviegoers — that all of the films in the genre get lumped to together. This is worrisome to me. I want to see the next “Silence of the Lambs,” not this nonsense.
The only reason this film was made was for instant cash on an established name brand. And it worked. “Texas Chainsaw” made more than $20 million opening weekend. So we will more than likely be seeing a sequel getting the green light soon. So borderline horror fans will get to see more of this garbage, and the “Paranormal Activities” and all the other cash cow crap that Hollywood puts out.
“Texas Chainsaw 3-D” gets a 1/10 from me. On top of all the previously mentioned problems, the entire movie makes no sense at the base level of the time line, which is something that seems impossible to mess up. But this film found away. Luckily, there is still the original “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” from 1974 to cherish. I encourage anyone who hasn’t seen that to do so, and see how real horror movies should be made.
Image credit: Justin Lubin
