The Wizard of Oz

Oz: The Great and Powerful, Sam Raimi’s fan fiction prequel to MGM’s 1939 The Wizard of Oz, has been in theaters for about a week now. I liked it and there should a review of it somewhere around here. I figured since this flick was coming out, I should go back and re-watch the Judy Garland classic. I had not actually seen the movie in about fifteen years, so it seemed like a good time to revisit it. Now, after having seen it, I can honestly say The Wizard of Oz is an incredibly dumb movie. Don’t get me wrong, the music is still astounding and the characters are memorable as hell, but the whole production is flat-out ridiculous. And not ridiculous in a “Scarecrows can’t talk!” kind of ridiculous, I don’t mind that kind of fantasy at all. I can buy whatever magic-from-the-heart Captain Planet bullcrap you shovel at me as long as you establish the world runs on pure unicorn farts. However, there are some big problems here I have to address.

First, there is Dorothy Gale. I am still not sure if she is the dumbest female character ever or just incredibly confused. The movie starts out supporting the former, with Dorothy falling into the farm pigpen like a lead duck and flailing around until someone comes and fishes her out. Listen sweetheart, if you are going to play around the pigpen you are going to need an exit strategy when you fall in. I thought she was supposed to have been born and raised on a farm in Kansas. What kind of kid living on a farm their whole life, regardless of gender or time period, cannot get themself out of a pigpen? That kind of incompetence screams stupidity. But it gets better as the movie progresses.

When Dorothy finally gets to Oz she is confronted by the munchkins. Who, by the way, have a clearly fascist society. I mean they have specialized guilds for lullabies and lollipops. What kind of totalitarian crap is that? I am pretty sure Dorothy is on to how shady these people are. As soon as Glinda tells her she needs to get her behind out of Oz, Dorothy says something like “Oh yes, golly gee wilickers, I sure do want to get out of Oz as soon as possible.” All she knows about Oz is that its inhabitants sound like they all swallowed pencil sharpeners and have strict protocols against the dangers of thoughtcrime and she already wants to get the heck out of dodge.

Near the end of the film, when Glinda asks Dorothy what the moral of the day is, she pulls an answer straight out of her ass and Glinda clears her for doing absolutely nothing throughout the whole course of the movie. No, no, no, no, no, no. She should not get off that easy. She was not even a passive participant in the story; she actively endangers the other members of her party while contributing nothing to the group. Sure, she gets them to hit the road, but a strong gust of wind could have been just as effective. Everything she does is either completely out of line or just plain stupid.

Let’s do a count up of her actions in Oz. She straight up kills someone when she arrives, granted it was not on purpose, but she got over it pretty fraking quick. She steals the shoes off her victim’s feet and refuses to give them back the proper next of kin, and it’s not like the shoes are all-powerful or anything, all they seem to do is teleport people to Kansas. What is the big deal? Then, she nearly gets poor Scarecrow killed four times, turns the Tin Man into an addict who will take any excuse for the next hit of oil can, and enables the Cowardly Lion’s easily fixable emotional problems. She also participates in vandalism; seriously, during the Lion’s big musical number they just start breaking stuff as if they own the damn place. She manages to get captured by a pack of dumb monkeys and is too useless to escape from an easily penetrable fortress, something so easy to accomplish a small dog could literally do it.

The only good things Dorothy manages to accomplish are sending the Wizard back to Kansas and having the throne of Oz handed down to the Scarecrow. Clearly, Scarecrow is the smartest person in this magical world and someone who most likely will not rule by fear and intimidation, unlike the “benevolent” Wizard.

Then to top it off, there is that horrible neighbor lady threatening to “destroy” Toto. Listen here, crabby bitch, the dog is only slightly bigger than a rat and slightly less deadly than a Sock-em’ Bopper. Sneezing on it could probably break all four of its legs. If you are too inept of a homeowner you cannot keep an oversized dishrag out of your yard, maybe it is time to rethink your life. On the other hand, considering she inexplicably owns most the land in the county, she probably will not rethink a single second of her life. Also, did anyone else catch that her death isn’t mentioned at the end of the movie; implying she’s still alive and Toto’s days are numbered? No place like home, indeed. I know it is a tired argument with the Oz story, but why does Dorothy even want to go back home? It’s Kansas. And not just normal, boring Kansas; this is Great Depression era Kansas. I know Oz is extremely shady below the surface, but the people in Oz aren’t farming dirt for a living. And besides, Oz is at least in color. On the other hand, Kansas does have some pretty killer tornadoes. Dorothy Gale must really be into meteorology.

Like I said before, the music and characters are still as timeless as ever, but this film has a whole load of problems. I am glad that I am not nostalgia-locked into this film’s supposed greatness, as I am sure some other people are. I will stick to better kid’s films from now on.