The African Queen

Did you know that Humphrey Bogart is supposed to be the greatest actor of all time? After watching The African Queen, I could believe it, but do you want to hear a little secret? Come closer. Closer. Closer than that. Do you want to hear this secret or don’t you!? Alright, here goes: The African Queen is the only Humphrey Bogart movie I have ever seen. I can only imagine the shocked looked on your face, because of how timely and relevant Humphrey Bogart has remained over the years, and how dastardly I am for not properly appreciating the greatest actor of all time. To be fair, I did see Casablanca something like thirteen years on a late night TV broadcast while looking for something to watch when Tenchi in Tokyo rudely interrupted my good Toonami shows. Oh God, do you remember Tenchi in Tokyo? Because I sure as hell don’t. I was too busy watching black and white movies from the 1940’s. And then instantly forget I had seen them until years later when I sat my lazy ass down to spew about The African Queen. I kind of wish I had watched Casablanca instead, but Netflix is a fickle god and we must work with what we are given like the good little mortals we are.

There is something I want to talk about before we settle into The African Queen, and that’s spoilers. I am about to spoil the hell out of this movie. That should not deter you from reading on because of one glorious fact: spoilers are bullshit. So what if someone “ruins” a movie for you? It shouldn’t matter whether or not you learn Skippy Longjohns gets mulched by a wood chipper at the end, you should be more interested in seeing how and why poor Skippy is fed into a metallic mouth of death. And if a movie decides to force feed you a “twist” at the end that completely denigrates everything that has happened before, then that is not a movie worth watching. Right, are we clear? Good.

The African Queen stars Katherine Hepburn as Rose Sayer, an English missionary settled in the heart of Africa with her brother, Reverend ‘Clearygoingtodiesoon’ Samuel Sayer. Humphrey Bogart, Charlie Allnut,  is a rough and tumble steam boat captain that gives the siblings their mail and makes tea time very awkward. Unfortunately for everyone involved, this movie takes place in 1914, when smell-o-vision was only the fevered dream of a madman and World War I was heating up. Because Africa has some killer deals on real estate, the Germans move in next door to Miss Sayer’s mission. At the neighborhood meet and greet, they bring along guns and beatings. And when they leave, they take all of Sayer’s indigenous converts and set the place on fire.

But that’s okay, because Reverend ‘Shouldnothavecometoafrica’ Sayer dies shortly after all those friendly love taps to the mug. Rose is left traumatized by the events she witnessed. Luckily, Allnut shows up and offers to take her out of Africa because he’s Canadian. As we all know, when a Canuck is trapped in the middle of Africa, surrounded by Germans under the command of the Kaiser, his/her first instinct is to rescue any stranded missionaries. Or at least, I think he’s Canadian. Allnut keeps insisting he is, but he never once mentions maple syrup or Yoink! of the Yukon (YouTube it). So, we may never know the truth behind his nationality.

Anyway, once Reverend ‘Finallydeadandburied’ Sayer is put in the ground, the two set out on a whirlwind adventure full of thrills, romance, and inappropriately placed animal sounds. The majority of the movie is the two of them on the boat and it’s very engaging to see them overcome obstacle after obstacle. You fall in love with Allnut’s swarthy drunkard behavior while admiring Rose’s properness and can-do attitude. Usually, Hollywood likes to portray women as falling apart once they get out of a three-mile radius of a book club circle. So, I appreciate the change of pace. Yes, it seems like this unlikely partnership may just get the better of their aggressors and they grow closer as friends and learn to respect one another’s strengths right before they start doing it like they do it on the Discovery Channel.

I cannot tell you how disappointed I was with this turn of events. Well actually, that’s a lie. At first I was all “awwww” when I saw those two crazy kids go nose-to-nose like a couple of lovesick Eskimos. Then I noticed there was still a whole movie to get through. Like most people, I prefer my forced and completely needless romantic subplot conclusion to be shoved in at the end so it doesn’t ruin my otherwise good movie. Forcing it into the first act is a bold choice, but I would have preferred to see Rose and Allnut work together as plutonic survival buddies. This is something I can say about a lot of male/female action-adventure survival duos. Sadly, we live in a world where everyone must fall in love by the end credits even if the two have only known each other for three days.

So after mutually having relations with someone who is little better than a complete stranger, Allnut and Rose continue their travels down what I’m pretty sure is one of only two rivers in Africa. They go down some rapids, get shot at by Germans, clouded by mosquitoes, and manage to MacGyver together a couple of torpedoes they plan on using to blow up a German steam boat out of duty to king and country. Needless to say, it’s all very tense, endearing, and filled with pointless romance.

All in all it’s a good movie, but the only reason why anyone gives a damn about it anymore is because this was the film that finally got Bogart his Oscar. Hepburn and Bogart are pretty damn good here, but they are Hepburn and Bogart. They could put on a performance of Duke & Dimwit and it would be hailed as one of the greatest cinematic partnerships of all time. So, if you want to see some truly spectacular acting, check out The African Queen. Otherwise, you should probably just go do something more productive with your time.