Years ago the most impending sign of the apocalypse was, “The British are coming, the British are coming!” But now people lock themselves in their panic rooms when they hear the phrase “Taylor Swift has a new song out…” And it’s understandable why.
Doom is upon us, what, with all the Kim-Jong Uns, the Bashar al-Assads, and the Starbucks that seem to sprout out of the ground. People need to be prepared for anything that will most likely pop out of your fridge when you get up to get that ever dangerous midnight snack.
But you don’t need be scared, because Papa Rooney is here to teach you exactly what needs to be done in the event of imminent global collapse. And what better way to get you into Chaos Mode then to prep you for the Big Mac of apocalypses: the zombie invasion.
First, you need to get yourself a fat friend. I’m not talking “OMG, I just ate a donut” fat. I’m talking Fatty Arbuckle, Fat Albert, Nicki-Minaj’s-butt fat.
For starters, they will be jolly good fun. When your best friend is eaten, you’ll need a loveable oaf who will throw a pie at their own face to cheer you up. Most importantly, when the sweat from their body folds inevitably leaves a bread-crumb trail leading the zombies to your location, they will immediately go for Sir Chubenstein. You will get away safely, the zombies will be full for many a fortnight and leave other survivors alone, and that human ham will die knowing they went to good use. Everyone wins!
Next up: be MacGyver. Any wuss can shoot a .357, but it takes a true survivor to be able to rig a parade of swords to fall on an expecting herd of zombies, only to rise back into place for the next herd to meet their cold embrace.
This will leave you time to relax in your rigged-up warehouse as your comfortably read your back issues of Cosmopolitan (you can never learn enough about Harry Styles’ haircuts). Soon you’ll be able to drift off to sleep to the sounds of your traps impaling your former teachers. Ah, what music they make.
Finally, become an expert in tripping. When the zombies do come, they will realistically walk towards you in a sluggish motion (running zombies are just voodoo talk). So if you can’t shoot, and you’re too stupid to rig a paperclip gun, then you need to learn how to trip the zombies to buy you some time. Practice on your friends!
When they least expect it, just shuffle off to the side, stick your leg out, shove their back, and watch them tumble. They may break their noses, but it’s for a good cause. They won’t be so mad when you save them from a horde with your finely tuned tripping skills, making it look like a graceful MC Hammer video. And we all know there’s nothing funnier than tripping someone. Bullies know what I’m talking about.
If you have read these tips, then I suggest you start training now. As we have learned from Fox News, the end is nigh and you must be ready, my young Padawan learners—because even your neighbor may very well already be a zombie (it would explain all the barbeques). Train hard, learn quickly and if you’re fat, then you better start waddling now.
