Today is Election Day, so obviously I’m gonna do an article on the Top 5 cutest baby animals ever. After dozens of news organizations telling you to vote (for their side) and politicians telling you to go vote (for them) I feel like this is the break everyone needs. But so as to not degrade any sense of journalistic integrity I am going to add a slight spin. For every adorable creature I will also guess which party each one would vote for, using state-of-the-art technology to make an accurate conclusion (I would totally show you the machine but, like, I let my friend borrow it).
#5 Lambs
Before they go to be sheered for clothes and their meat shipped to Middle-Eastern restaurants these adorable scamps charm with permanent smiles and the most adorable voices that would’ve melted even Hitler’s heart. They are super fluffy and seem to bounce everywhere, which it tots adorbs.
Political affiliation: I’m going to have to say Republican. Because many people of the Muslim faith use lamb as more of a primary meat than most people, lambs then share the same fear of them with Republicans. So cast one cutsey-wutsey vote for the Reds!
#4 Baby Pandas
Have you ever seen one of those fluffy devils sneeze? Case closed.
Political affiliation: This is an easy win for the Democrats. Pandas are near extinct and Democrats are far more eco-conscious that Republicans, who only care about preserving life if it’s a fetus.
#3 Baby Lions
Not only are they more badass and adorable than the average household demon…I mean kitten…but how cool would it be to own one? You could feed them steak and when they grow up you’d have a loyal lion pet that you can ride majestically across the fields of Himdale and use to scare off bad people. Plus when they learn to roar…precious.
Political affiliation: Yet another for the Republicans. Adult male lions live only to gain more and more power over the current alpha male thinking they’d do a better job and they treat their wives as second class citizens. Sounds like a conservative cat to me.
#2 Baby seals
Look into the eyes of a baby seal—like truly look into their eyes— and tell me the world is not a beautiful place. Any negativity can be demolished by even imagining what it would be like to hold a baby seal. Them learning to swim and talk makes any human baby look like food rattled with warts and their whiskers are too big for their face. Screaming in delight should be a federal crime.
Political affiliation: Democrat all the way, for the same reason as the panda. Their homelands in the arctic are rapidly depleting thanks to humans and eco-friendly democrats are usually the ones at the forefront of climate change reform, Republicans swatting away any legislation. Plus, when you think “baby seal clubber” which party comes up first? I rest my case.
#1 Baby otter
The crème de la crème of cuteness, the animal that deserves to be every countries national creature, the ultimate source of your nose breaking due to over-scrunching: The baby otter. Watching one squeak (they squeak!) as they rapidly roll everywhere will scientifically turn your heart into a flowing liquid. Watch any video with them in it and any anger in a 50 ft range will cease to exist. World peace is attainable, people.
Political affiliation: Would anything so adorable vote against equal pay for women and marriage rights for gays? I think not. Democrats win!
