If you know me then you know I love my knitted Christmas sweaters, a hot cup of cocoa, the gentle falling of snow and wearing a Santa hat even when it couldn’t be more unnecessary. But those of you who really know me know that I am also a cynical liar who enjoys mocking people’s traditions. So here I go again as I tell what I think you should do over this break that will surely be more fun than anything you could possibly think of yourself.
Instead of feeding the homeless, trick them:
Now making fun of homeless people is never funny, until it is. This holiday season you will no doubt be filled with warmth when you even entertain the notion of doing something nice for these roof-challenged folks. We all know you won’t actually do anything about it, but just the thought makes you a good person, no? So this year actually do a good thing and give the gift of laughter to yourself at their expense. This can be getting them to fall in the ice by luring them with a dollar on a fishing line; making them think there’s a sandwich in the snow when really it’s made of wax; give them an invitation to a buffet at your house when really the address leads to an abandoned haunted house from Halloween or; walk by with a pile of gifts, throw them in the dumpster and say, “I can just go get more” right in front of them. You can’t miss and you will give them the greatest gift of all: glorious purpose.
Hunt a wolf:
If Liam Neeson has taught us anything its really fun to be hunted in the wilderness by a pack of rapid hell-hounds. This Christmas take you and your family (especially the younger members) and turn the tables on those pups. And I’m not talking about building a tent and waiting with your rifle as you and Dale talk about the best NASCAR driver. I mean bare bones, with only a knife and duct tape. You must linger in the trees and be one with nature. Wait for one of them to walk by and pounce like the true alpha species. You may lose some dear family members, but they wont die in vein…they will die in the belly of a wolf.
Sneak onto someone’s property at night and build an evil looking snowman with a sign on it that reads “Have you been naughty…or nice?” in order to scare the children of that home:
This one is good ol’ fashion fun for the whole family. What better way to keep children on their toes and be good all break then to make them think a demon snowman may come in and take them away? None, that’s what. People generally behave better when they are being watched and it’s nonsense to think Santa can keep track off all the little brats of the world. So make them think he has “other methods” of keeping an eye on them. I guarantee results, whether they are positive depends on how well you do the job.
Well I hope those gave you some ideas for fun, family-oriented things to do over the break. If any of you survive any of these activities be sure to let me know how they worked for you. To find me, you only need to look up to the trees in the middle of wolf country.
