“BI staff writer and movie reviewer, Matt Rooney, explains the “Transformers” series in four parts”
I am on the last leg of my journey and I am without food or water. My body feels frozen over, as if all the joy in the world has been sucked dry. Long have been the hours since I first began, and I now know the time will be short until I take my last breath.
Once again these robots claim to have some hand in the past. This tactic has been so overdone that I can’t listen to it anymore so I can retain what little sanity I have left. I try to grab the remote, but in doing so two of my fingers fall off. I cannot feel the pain, nor seem to care.
The people from the previous films have been replaced with a girl who looks like a combination of the previous two ladies and Mark Wahlberg. This was not a fun tradeoff. They say they are normal Americans, but they appear to be just as loud and over-processed as the people in the last movies, and twice as annoying.
All I can do is bang my head all along the way. Bang…bang…bang. It’s all I can do to drown out the obnoxious caterwauling of these people. They live in a barn, but can repair an alien robot in no time? I’ve spent so much time clenching I’ve begun to lose more and more teeth.
This movie seems to know the pain I am going through. Constant barrages of food and drink product placements from famous brands titillate and anger me. It’s like…it knows. It wants to cause me to go mad. That’s it! You want me to scream and slam don’t you?!
I scream in loud groans and slam into everything in my path. My violent flailing lacks any direction or motive. I just want to destroy it all. The movie wants me to do this. I can feel it. But I don’t want to do what it commands, I have to fight.
As much as I try to fight the devilish tricks of the film, I feel myself losing every second. The robot with swords and a Japanese accent is so insensitive. Did he know what he would transform into? Why does he have to be such a stereotype? Yes, this movie wants me to hate people…
The movie is trying to finish the job. It has used its previous installments to beat me down and break my will to be…human. I realize it wants me to be one of its robots, aimlessly walking around. No, no I don’t want your Chinese milk!
The metallic explosions and pot-banging are back, and this time worse than ever. Where are they even? Why does it look like they are shooting at nothing? How is it that these humans slam into brick walls and still retain make-up and prefect hair? It’s too much now, I can’t…
Darkness has fully taken me. The world is dimming. But wait, there is a light. A bright shining light. I feel warm again. There is someone at the end. It’s…Mark Wahlberg. He is holding out his hand. It is time to go, he says. Yes, after all this time I feel as though it is time I join their world. A world where I do nothing but scream, flail, have no disregard for personal property and my appearance will shock the senses. I am one of them now. This is my destiny, and the world will love me, even if they don’t want to. Time to go, indeed. Time to start my life anew.
