Matt Rooney
mrooney3@uwyo.edu
Men and women cannot be friends…yet. That is because there is a war being raged right now that is making “just friends” impossible until a victor is claimed. It is a war between two vile, disgusting, monstrous entities—the male brain and the male body.
The brain is like a dirty Netflix, constantly streaming grotesque thoughts and fantasies regarding women. However, it is also trying to fight back against those thoughts so that genuine compassion and love can shine through. On the other side of the battlefield is the body, who is trying ever so diligently to bring said disgusting thoughts and fantasies to life by saying, “come to our side, we have brownies!”
Men are pigs. We are. We want to dominate everything so that we can retain our spot on the mountaintop and scream “I am man! I have dominion over all creatures of the land, sea and air! May all who oppose me feel my greatest wrath as I unleash the power of Valhalla upon them!” This includes sports, competitive eating, moving the fastest and, yes, having the most sex with the most women.
Whether it’s through the bar culture, buying certain clothes, hoping for happenstances at coffee shops, buying a cute puppy so you can show it off or running naked in hopes someone may fancy that, men are constantly trying to do whatever they can to get the opposite sex to notice them…and not so they can be friends.
Many men will tell their female friends all they ever want is friendship, getting a chance to understand the female experience, henceforth breaking all gender boundaries and becoming the most unique man ever in the history of humankind. That’s the male brain talking and it really isn’t a bad thing to aspire to. But here is the truth: that it is all a very thin layer of bulls*** that even women have the power to see through. All men have at one point wanted to have sex with all their female friends. Men who say otherwise are dirty rotten liars (to women and themselves) and should be hung by their thumbs so other men can throw apples at them and shout, “Stop ruining everything!”
In reality it’s all about sex. “Hopefully she will notice my haircut today…so she will have sex with me.” “Please let her think I’m funny…so that she will have sex with me.” “God, please let my opinion of Victorian era romantic literature I plan to share with her at our “coffee date” impress her…so that she will have sex with me.” That’s the body talking. Underneath every movie date that women pray is “just friends hanging out and talking” is the male brain trying to be cool but his body going, “kiss her, dammit! Just lunge for her!”
That is because most men have been biologically evolved to be sexually attracted to women. Since the dawn of the Neanderthal, men have been competing with others for the affections of women and not so that they go out to brunch, then go back to their separate caves and text each other cat memes in innocent fun.
Everything, and I repeat everything, a man does with his female friend is in hopes they will see past the friendship and move things forward in a sexual fashion. Staying up late talking her through her problems with her real boyfriend, gossiping (which, let’s face it men, is undoubtedly fun), inviting her over to “Netflix and chill” or just acting “different from other guys who just want sex.” Trust me, ladies, they do. For many men this is just how they go about getting it.
That’s because the craving for women by men cannot be suppressed. Sexual attraction equals sexual desire. Men try, though, using the brain to shove it down deep so that we can actually listen to them talk, refusing to stare at their chest through force of will. Nevertheless, it will always be there in the body, lingering. People will say they were friends for a while, but then they just all of sudden saw something different and now they’re dating. By people I mean to say it’s women who say that. Men are thinking, “finally!” as they high-five their male friends.
All I’m saying is that men don’t swipe right on Tinder so that they can gather new friends for their book club. If I see beautiful woman I don’t say, “Wow, I’d love to be friends with her. She’s got the kind of legs that would make plutonic tandem bike ride seem really relaxing.” That is not a very modern, sensible way to perceive another human being. Yet, like I said, the brain still has to fight the body, which has been reigning champ for about 50,000 years.
Women, for the most part, see things as “friends first, and then we’ll see what happen,” whereas men see it as “sex first, then we’ll see what happens.” Women rightfully have all the power in these situations (even if they don’t see it), so men have to put in their time and hopefully don’t tread into “the zone”.
This is not to say men can’t be friendly towards women and many most likely do value the casual relationship they have with their female friends. I for one would love to associate with all women and not think about having sex with most of them.
The gross part of the brain that is constantly churning out sexual thoughts—the part the reasonable part is trying to suppress—is working with the body to keep the feeling of desire alive and ever vigilant for signs from a female friend that it may be time to move things to the next level.
Men are gross, which means we can’t be “just friends” with women, in the same way that we are friends with other men. Hopefully, though, the brain will become triumphant, putting sex second and personal relationship first. But the body is like Floyd Mayweather: a strong, undefeated upstart. For now, it will never be “just friends” to the guy. Even after years of knowing the girl, the brain beating down the body so that he may see her as only a friend, the body at any moment can get that shot of adrenaline that screams “What? She’s single now? Ricky, get my good shoes and that nice cologne! Do I need a haircut?”
What are we supposed to do? Be honest? Of course not.
Many women with male friends will even ask them about this and of course the men will say, “Oh he’s just wrong. I only want to be friends with you. I’m not like other guys.” But that phrase will always come with an ellipsis: “…now will you have sex with me?”
