As an equal opportunity commentator on the ridiculousness of the human race, I feel obligated, after “Bros at the Gym,” to cover some of the comedy that exists within my own gender. I debated the many feminine quirks that exist so prevalently in my gender, and so, after much deliberation, I give you, “Chicks in the Bathroom.”
We have all seen the absurdly long lines that tend to stream from women’s bathrooms anywhere there is a Josh Turner concert, Black Friday sale or any movie that stars Channing Tatum. However, the mystery of why this happens has remained unsolved — until now. From my own experience, there are a few universal reasons why women seem to travel to the bathroom in packs, and I am here to let you all in on our little secret.
The first reason is when a girl is out and she sees a cute guy. If you are a guy talking to a girl who suddenly needs to go and “freshen up,” I can guarantee you she is either rendezvousing with her friends in the bathroom or, if they are not present, calling them to decide what to do next. Gentlemen, I know you thought that all your romantic interactions were just between you and whomever you are flirting with, but, alas, you are incorrect. Any interactions post “freshening up” are actually being dictated by five or six women you have never met, and who have judged you based on what their friend has told them. So, good luck.
The other reason that women travel in packs to the bathroom is so that they can go and complain about their defects. You all thought that scene from “Mean Girls” was a dramatization, right? It is not.
I cannot count the times when I have walked into a bathroom and a line of women were standing in front of the mirrors complaining about their skin, their pores or their hair. They tear themselves down with the expectation that one of their friends will be there to tell them that they are pretty. It is a vicious cycle.
On one occasion, I went into bathrooms filled with women who were petulantly carrying on about their appearances, and while I was washing my hands, I made some comment about how regular I looked that day, just to see how they would react. I then proceeded to walk out with my head held high, leaving their mouths gaping in my wake. This particular bathroom practice is one I do not understand, but it does happen and it is quite the process.
As you can tell, the ceremonial act of going to the bathroom with the girls is necessary in order make informed choices and build self-esteem. Much of this tradition remains shrouded in mystery, but I hope this small portal into the feminine world has shown the seriousness of the seemingly silly act of going to the bathroom in large groups. Gentlemen, I hope you now appreciate the importance of this process, and ladies, you all know the rest.
