Katie with her host family, some of their friends and family, and other international students, embracing the ties of family.
Define the term friends with benefits. What about girlfriend/boyfriend? Fiancé? Easy right? Be careful where in the world you say what, though. In Gabon, Africa, for example, referring to your petit ami (boyfriend) means the boy you’re sexually involved with, or perhaps the man you’re engaged to. If you slip up there, things become awkward real quick. Cultures define and present relationships differently and not just intimate ones, but friendships and familial ties as well.
To continue on the romance track, in America, you don’t typically see a grotesque amount of PDA, unless you’re in high school. However, in France, multiple couples could be seen making out and rolling around on the grass in the park in the town center. Some even let things get a little frisky, and uncomfortable for someone passing by, in the sand along the beach. I’ve unfortunately witnessed both. Contrastingly in Indonesia, you usually can’t even tell if a couple is dating. A friendship looks externally quite similar to a romantic relationship. In Africa, some friends, even girl-to-boy friendships, will hold hands. This distinguishes them only slightly from the more romantic handholding, as my friend Shelby Hayes who spent last summer in Gabon, told me. I suppose one could say the same about America, with friends who are “just friends” flirting and confiding deeply in one another.
Friendships can look differently as well. In Southeast Asia, one’s word in a relationship is highly trusted. When I was in both Indonesia and Cambodia, I was warned not to promise to stay in touch with friends I had made unless that was what I had truly intended. I was sure not to promise to visit either, because I didn’t know if I could keep good on my word. In Gabon, Shelby told me that friends act more like a family, in that they are “super loyal.” Saying is doing in their culture; they highly value the integrity in what friends say to them. Shelby also told me that in crisis or tragedy, people are not as closed off to help. She said, “If someone would ever request alone time, his friend would say, ‘Okay, I’ll go with you.’” Another friend of mine, Katie Powell, studied abroad in Peru for a semester and confirmed that they also have a small personal bubble. Though Katie was only there a few months, she noticed the physical closeness of the friends she had made there. Peruvians get very physically close to each other very quickly.
Family dynamics provide another aspect that changes drastically depending on where you are. In Peru, Katie told me about the expectations for multi-generational relations to live together in one household. In the host family where Katie lived, three sisters all lived together with their father, and each had children. What a party! In a similar fashion, Shelby noticed the great responsibility families would take for one another in Gabon. She stayed with a host family where two “daughters” living with the mom were her biological nieces because their natural mother was unfit to raise. Responsibility is taken for one’s family members, extended and immediate. Africans are incredible involved in their family’s lives, in happiness and sorrow. They provide where there are needs, whether it is emotional, physical, or monetary. Whoever has excess provides for the rest of the family selflessly. Katie greatly enjoyed the welcoming feeling of homes in Peru. She said that Peruvians gather and celebrate for absolutely any and every purpose – birth, weddings, anniversaries, etc. – and that people are always in and out of others’ homes. Even childhood friends are treated like part of the family, invited to family dinners and parties, just as if they were legitimate children in the family. Shelby agreed that people were always visiting and being visited by friends and families in their homes. Another difference seen in other cultures is a family’s proximity to other members. Since Northern Ireland is such a small nation, about the size of Maryland, family members often live within minutes of each other, and they often do not leave the country permanently. The family of one of my friend’s in Southeast Asia was shocked to hear that my family is completely scattered throughout the United States.
How interesting it is that we are all people yet act so different towards ones we love, all depending on how and where we grew up. There’s no “right way” to display romantic, friendly, or family affection, though each of us has our own unique preferences. It’s really beautiful in so many ways, unless you accidentally tell a whole community that you’re sexually involved with your significant other. Watch out for that.
Shelby and the friends she made in Africa holding hands.
